Love Hate Week

16Feb09

I have been missing because I am lame like that but amazingly I do have plenty to say of my past week. Nothing much happened during last week up until last Thursday. The Dr. is back so we are a bit busier again which is nice. I hate being bored at work. However, with a new higher there is still some down time. I had talked with them and got Mondays off again. When I was hired it was for only Tuesday Thursday anyway. Then almost every Wednesday started happening. Once a girl quit they didn’t have enough people so I volunteered to go Monday thru Thursday. since they needed it. Well since then two new full time people have been hired and the work load for me has decreased. I have been getting bored the last few weeks and so they said that I could take off Mondays again. I was excited. It also meant no decrease in our monthly income because the last two months have had so much in holidays and sick days that I didn’t get paid for that it came to missing two days on each paycheck which is what I will be doing now.

Well, Thursday I left work early as there was not enough work and I was bored and even though the Dr. knew that he wasn’t hurrying up on getting me some work. Talked to M we were both in great moods. I was excited for Friday because I had been planning a huge V-Day thing a day early to surprise him. Our neighbor asked me to watch their little girl for like 10 minutes and even offered me some food. M was due home and I told him and he sounded off all of a sudden. He sounded upset to me. We I leave to go home and he and I are not talking because I am upset at how he was short with me on the phone and him because something is eating at him. After 10 minutes or so we finally start talking. I ask him what is wrong and he says it isn’t important and that he doesn’t want to upset me. Heh, yeah now I am going to let that go. So I pester him and he finally tells me. “I think you should work Mondays.” What!? Why?! You knew I was doing this?! WTF?! “Well, we can get more money if you do and pay more of your student loan off and I would like to have no debt when we go to get a house” Mind your our debt is my $2800 student loan, $8000 car payment and $17000 truck payment. We are trying to sell the truck because as gorgeous as it is we don’t use it. It leaves the garage like once a month. We have also been putting an extra $50 to my car payment and and extra $114 to my student loan. No credit card debt, $1100 into savings each month and $900 spending money to do with as we please each month. Huh, now I have to work Mondays to bring in an extra $262 dollars a month take home. Hmm. Then he goes on and on about how that can pay off my student loan and I need to work Mondays and that we need to be out of debt to buy a house. Granted we could be buying a house in 2 months time so an extra $500 is not going to pay off the student loan. I flipped. I mean crap we are paying extra and while yes I understand he wants to pay more, fine. What about all of our extra spending money? We haven’t even used it all in the past month so we don’t need all that extra. How about we take $400 of that a month a divert it into the student loan? Well, he started pushing me I felt I got mad. He told me that I was just going to be sitting on my ass at home reading a book so why not sit on my ass a work and make us some more money (I explained that i was bored at work cause there was not enough work and that was his reply). It hurt, I started feeling really hurt and pushed into a corner so i pushed back. Told him i was leaving him because all he cares about is money and it isn’t like we are doing bad anyways. It wasn’t the first time we had this fight. When we first moved here he said I didn’t have to work and could go with him to the different cities if I wanted and that the only reason I would work is if I wanted to and that it would be to bring extra spending money in. Then after two months he came to me and said he wanted more spending money and that I needed to work. We fought and I went and got a damn job even though we aren’t going to be here for more than a few months. It was part time, he was fine with that. Then we started putting my paycheck into savings, which I was happy with. Now it isn’t enough. On top of that how do I know when we have a kid he isn’t going to say after three months that I need to go find a job. How do I know that he isn’t going to take it all back again. I feel like I can’t trust his word and that we are never in enough money for him to be happy. Never. So I said some hurtful things that run along the lines of I am leaving him because I can’t trust him and he is never satisfied with what money we have. I left the house and went to a coworkers house for 40 minutes just to stop shaking. I felt and still do feel broken. He said he was sorry. He claimed he never said I “had to” just that he “wished” I would work Mondays which in the heat of the moment was not true. He states I am my own person who is going to do what I want. I know what, but then why did I feel corned and like I was being told what I would do as if a child? I told him as we were falling asleep that it is sad cause I was looking forward to it, it made me happy and he knew it and that didn’t care to him, only that he wanted more money cared. On top of that I had made plans with our neighbor to work out together on Monday and Fridays and I was hoping to lose weight and show him a new me when he got back next month, and maybe even have made a friend in this town because I am so lonely when he is gone. He told me that he now didn’t want me to work Mondays. He felt bad. So do I. I feel like I am ruining us and we could be so much better off if I did. He is making me feel like money is the all important thing and that to make him happy I need to bring in extra money. When will it be enough?

So Friday comes and he leaves for work. I go next door and work out. I still feel hurt and off. I dash home and change and then go to my Doctors appointment. I was slightly tachychartic at that appointment. She says she does want to check into it because at my age I should not be only able to do 10 minutes of cardio before I feel wiped. She does a EKG and finds nothing abnormal. She also notes my thyroid is slightly enlarged. She ordered blood tests to test different things, one of which is my thyroid. She will decide after she gets those results if she is going to do a ultrasound of my heart. I am a bit worried and nervous about what might be found. I just want to be healthy. The whole thing takes 2 hours and then I dash to the store and buy food for this great BBQ dinner I am going to make him that night and then run to the Dollar store and Michaels to pick up decorations for V-day since I am going all out for him like I planned. It just doesn’t feel right not to even though I am hurting. I bought like 10 helium balloons and blow up 20 regular balloons. I hang V-day decor over the walls and ceilings and scatter rose petals down the hall and on the bed. I cover the table with a V-day table cloth and cover the light in the bedroom with a red scarf. Candles are lit in the bedroom and at the table. I cook some awesome ribeye and potatoes and veggies on the grill. I wrap his present, a Restless Heart CD so he can hear his favorite song whenever he wants. He comes home after taking a pit stop in town to try and get me a last minute V-day gift/flowers but hasn’t been able to yet and I usher him home because dinner is ready and I am excited. He comes home and is surprised. He also states he feels like an ass cause he did nothing for me. At the moment I don’t care because I am too excited about making him happy. We eat the awesome dinner, make love in the pretty room with love music playing in the background. The evening is good.

I woke Saturday feeling odd but okay. We get a call from my boss who wants to know if we want to go for a plane ride in his small plane around the area. M has been wanting to do this and I don’t want to hold him back so we say yes and I am terrified to whole time, but also enjoy the beautiful view. I didn’t get sick feeling until after 30 minutes. We land and I am alive and so proud of myself. M tells me I don’t have to worry about doing it again cause he was feeling it in his stomach too. That makes me feel good to hear. We go and eat some pizza then stop at the store to get some stuff. He asks me if he should get me flowers, then in the same breath almost complains about how they double the cost of flowers for the holidays. “no hun, don’t get me flowers” I mean, what am I going to say, yes buy me some overpriced flowers. We visit with the neighbors and spend a quiet evening him on the computer and me watching a movie. I go to bed unhappy and wake up Sunday even more so.

Thursday night is hitting me again and also the fact that he didn’t nothing for me for V-day. He could have ordered overpriced flowers be delivered, but he didn’t. So when I wake up Sunday at 7am I am mad and hurt and suddenly don’t want to be in bed next to him so I go curl up on the coach and nurse my wounds. He is upset that I did that but I don’t care. I am up set all day and he knows it. I don’t yell, I just am not happy. I finally tell him why. I go and take a nap and wake to him having gotten me flowers. It makes things a little better. I mean better late than never. Would have been better if I didn’t get “I’m sorry” flowers. I tell him it doesn’t fix Thursday. I am hurt by what he said and what I said. I can’t take it back and neither can he. I just makes me feel guilty all around. We played games with the neighbors and came home and went to bed.

Now it is Monday, I worked out but all I can think is he thinks i am lazy sitting on my ass when I could make us some money. I am hurting and I don’t think it can be fixed. So I wait for the pain to go away and wait for my blood test results.

I am also a loser because I haven’t called my friend yet and I need to. I have been a horrible friend lately.

So yeah, I have just been blah.

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