Nothing Zen in me

09Sep08

Sometimes life presents you with obstacles that you find rather difficult to navigate.  Your body tenses your mind clouds and you are pretty sure that the next person to come near you with any kind of smart ass remark will lose their head.  This is what life has been like since I fell in love with M.  I am way out of my comfort zone with all that has happened and for someone who doesn’t care for change and likes a set schedule and knowing what will happen next makes this phase in my life a very difficult one.  I have moved away from my friends and family, left a job, have to look for a new job, left with the fact that we are moving again in possibly 9 months.  As such my system has been on the verge and past it so many times I am amazed I am able to cross back over.  I have broken down and cried and started fights with M so many times I can’t even count.  I have felt depressed and lonely and then filled with happiness and love.  

I am surprised I can still stand after all this.  I think I am finally getting use to having no real control over my life or future at the moment.  I have looked for home based work so that I can contribute to the finances but not worry about moving again and then having to look for a new job.  I haven’t been able to find anything legit. 

So what do I do now in my spare time as I try to find my sanity? I sit and watch my shows, do some grocery shopping.  I absent mindley look for a job that I will have to leave in a few months so I don’t want anything I could love but at the same time I don’t want anything that will make me feel depressed.

I have started thinking about writing a book.  Not that I aspire to be published but maybe one day this book will be completed and I can share it with my child.  I mean to have that ability to imagine a fantasy world that springs to life in words.  I love to read and it is what I do most of these days so I figure instead of spending so much money reading other peoples words how about I make my own?  They wont be elegant or memorable but it will be my words and I hope someday I can share it with my child and have them fall in love with it.  

I also hope if I can learn to be more relaxed and go with the flow that I will stop throwing things at M when he makes a smart ass remark.

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