Can I ask your advice?


I need help, lots of help.  I am so mad and unhappy right now.  I need people with similar experiences to tell me how they feel or got through it.  As I stated below M and I had an argument.  We talked and seemed to get through it and had a happy afternoon until we got home.  Then I started thinking about one of my large problems in the relationship, his mother.  I told him I wanted him to call her so we can all talk about it, my fears.  Maybe I would feel better and stop making a big deal about it.  He wouldn’t.  So I wrote a letter.  Not one I intended to send her but just so I could start to try and understand my feelings and get it in order so that if/when I talk to her I know what I want to say.  He read the letter and told me I could not send it (I wasn’t planning on it but didn’t tell him that) he said it sounded like I was telling her how things were going to be and he didn’t like that (hello, who is constantly telling me “how things will be”?).  I also found out that they had talked possibly 2 months ago or I don’t know when cause he can’t remember and she had told him she wasn’t going back to her friends and she didn’t feel comfortable living with her daughter because she felt like she was intruding (really?  and with us there is no intrusion?) and that basically in a year she would be following us where ever we might go.  I was mad.  I have never been asked, or included in these conversations.  Here below is my letter outlying my issues:

Dear D,

I’m writing because of concerns/issues I have with something I have been told will be happening sometime in the near future.  While I do not have all the details concerning the topic (for it is something M seems to think I don’t need to know about) and feel it only fair my voice be heard too.  I am talking about the when and if you move in with us.  I say if because M always tells me he doesn’t know what your plans are.  I won’t tip toe around saying it does bother e.  The first reason being M is your baby and you do feel the need to baby him a bit as i noticed the last time we all lived together.  You woke up to see to his breakfast and make his lunch all things he is capable of doing on his own and took awhile for him to do ( I hated when he would ask me to wake up early and do those things for him, to be his mother) on his own.  He soon realized that he is an adult and can take care of himself which means not needing to be waited on.  the next is I enjoy cooking, I enjoy M cooking and I enjoy your cooking but I don’t want you doing it all the time.  I am his wife now, the head matron.  I wish you would just kick back and enjoy being retired and all your kids being grown up.  He doesn’t need to be taken care of like a little boy anymore.

 Next, we are a young newly married couple which means we enjoy making love to one another which is made awkward and uncomfortable with someone right next door.  It does decrease the frequency of it and does increase the frustration factor.  Not to mention quality goes down.  I really don’t like this.

Finally I don’t plan on using you as a live in babysitter should we decide to have a child (which is looking like a no).  I want to be the one to raise my child.  I know you are great with kids and it has nothing to do with that.  I have my own opinion on how I would like our kid to be raised concerning ideals, beliefs and manners.  Not to mention I would like to be the one to watch the first steps and hear the first words.  It would kills me inside for someone else to get those experiences, it would make me unhappy which is sadly something M doesn’t understand.  I suppose this paragraph doesn’t even matter because we just won’t have a child if I can’t even be there to raise it in the formidable years.Thank you for listening.  You can  hate me now.


Not the greatest letter filled with lots of anger but I wasn’t going to send it and I am angry.  Very angry.  Yes I would rather her have her own place (a mother in law unit or something)  and if she would just not set an alarm so she can be up before him and then knock on our door to make sure he is up and then get his freakin breakfast and lunch!  

Help me!  Have any of you dealt with mother-in-laws?  Ones that will be living with you?  I like her but I resent the idea of her living with us when I can’t tell her how I feel.  I should feel comfortable in my own house and be able to tell her how I feel.  M doesn’t want me to.  If I do then she wont feel comfortable living with us.  So it is her comfort or mine and he has chosen hers.  How do you deal with MILs?  please anyone?  Same situation, similar something?! Help me cope.


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