Distant

23Aug08

I feel a gap between M and I right now. I hate it so much. I feel like we are not in our rhythm and I don’t know how to find it. I hate when this happens and it has before. A lot of it has to do with one or both of us not being happy at that time. I just wish when he got off work he could come home and laugh and know that the suckiness of the day is gone and he has his friend. It doesn’t work out that way. We are off from our normal stride. I look forward to seeing him all day and am so excited for his arrival at home and then he walks in the door and within 5 minutes I am irritated, he took his clothes off and left them at the front door (WTF?! really? Are you a child or something?), or he just starts making non funny smart ass remarks to me that instead of making me laugh or smile stab my ego. I have such low self confidence lately and he is unhappy because he feels the work is screwing him that he takes it out on me and I am so low that i can’t take the little jabs like a normal person. Instead, they chip away at whatever shred of self confidence I have managed to hold on to. Not to mention he is always too tired for sex and I feel like I get turned down a lot and that eats at my ego too. I start to wonder if I have gained a lot of weight, am I just not that pretty anymore, is something wrong with me?! I don’t smell, I make sure of that. So what is wrong!?!?! I just want my best friend back so we can continue to be each others rock. We did have a date night last night. Dinner and a movie. After which I tried to seduce him but alas he was tired. I understand. He is up early every day and works. I don’t right now. Maybe once I get a job I can be “too tired” also and then we both just wont want sex and everything will be on the same rhythm.

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