Introspective of myself

15Apr08

Today at work I started thinking, and couldn’t stop. I was just thinking of myself, who I am and what I need to do to be a better person. It was just all running through my head to the point that I had to write it down and so I did.

Change in my personal life is not something I adjust to easily. Moving away from my family a year ago was something I wanted and needed to do but still have had a very difficult time adjusting to. I love my parents, they have been my best friends all my life. It saddens me not to have them around. I don’t cry as much when we leave their place after a visit anymore. I am getting use to living away from them. My husband is my new best friend and I love him so much. I know I have a strong personality that can be tough to live with. In fact I think I have developed a bit of my mother’s “negative” personality as I would always tell her. I don’t think I am as bad as she is, at least not yet. When someone brings up the hope of doing something a certain way I will almost always bring up how that might not happen that way if I have any reason to believe that it wont. Call me the glass half empty girl. I guess it is my way of bracing for the bad news possibility rather than get my hopes up and be disappointed. I have been disappointed a lot in my short life and need to learn to hope and expect the best and not worry when I am disappointed because I do have a lot to be happy for. I don’t do it all the time, but I need to do it less. When M brought an idea to me I automatically said “well, they may not allow it.” Why can’t I just say we can look into it and weigh the options? I did what my mom would do, something I always hated. I want M and me to be on the same page more. Asking him to change is tough because he has to want to. At least if I work upon myself I can’t then put all the blame on me thus lowering myself esteem even more. I am my own worst critic. I feel like I am a very mature individual with the decisions I make and how responsible I am, but emotionally I have a ways to go. My skin isn’t thick enough, but I guess that is what happens when growing up you don’t have many friends and the ones you do have always tried to hurt you. I need to work on me so that I can become more at ease with living with my new best friend. Like with getting use to living away from my parents, living with someone else and getting use to this “us” will take time. I figure at least 6 more months before it feels like we have always lived together because that gives me more time to work on me. I love that man, I tell him all the time, I just hope he knows it. Some examples to myself of why I know I need to work on myself, (1) not going with M to his interviews has me so upset that I am taking it out on him. (2)The dog, I am jealous of his affection to the dog. I need to not look out for my own happiness, but “ours” instead.

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