Future Fears

31Mar08

I woke up this morning fearing being pregnant.  Just because we are not ready quite yet.  Then I started thinking about it more, what if I am?  I started thinking that if I was we would most likely still be living where we are now.  Then I started thinking how small this place is and if I am and then have the baby my parents and his mom is going to want to come up and stay here.  I would love to have both our moms with us, if we lived in a larger place.  So I told him I didn’t want his mom staying with us after the baby (that does not exist) is born.  Then I started to think that then my mom won’t be around (this is why I wished I lived close to family, they could be around without having to crowd into M and mines space). Well, of course I am going to want my mom around and should we not be here but an hour north then it will be really hard for my mom not to stay with us, well, crap.  I don’t mind if my mom stays with us but that is cause she is my mom, I can yell and scream at her that she is bugging me and know that we will still be best friends the next day.  She might be mad at me but she will still be my friend.  His mom is different.  I don’t feel comfortable telling her what is on my mind.  I am afraid that if she gets on my nerves and I tell her to back off or something, then she will just leave or think me a bitch.  Where my mom won’t really do that.  Yeah, she would think me a bitch but it is different.  So I want both his mom and mine there after the non existent baby is born, but if we are in a bigger space.  I do want my momma around though even in a small space but just it doesn’t work out.  I want family to be around us during that happy time, we just have to have a larger space for it to happen and his mom can’t be sleeping out on the couch.   I just have to get comfortable with telling his mom how I feel if I need to I guess.   I just don’t want her to think me a bitch and then wonder what her son ever saw in me and then never want to visit or feel comfortable around me.  I just know that I am going to need space and bonding time with our baby and as long as where we are living allows for that, both moms can stay.

Oh my crap why is this even an issue for me right now?  I hope I am not pregnant.

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