Life is grown ups play

03Feb08

Things are never what I think they are going to be. Growing up I always had ideas of how I was going to live my life and would edit for the current situation such as if I was going to have kids or what type of job I was going to have, continue school or not. Then love came along and everything changed. I wasn’t going to have kids because there was no one in my life but now there is and I can see having a child with this wonderful man. I was going to find some fabulous job/finish school and live in the town I grew up in. This too has changed. Someday maybe I will finish school, and fabulous job is limited to where I live. I don’t know where I will be living next so I am just trying to be happy at work. I told M again last night about wanting to take a year off from working after having a child so that I could bond with it and be the one to raise it during that very first important year. He was fine with it the first time I told him, the second time he even said to take 2,3 heck even 4 years off. I couldn’t believe the support. I was amazed and loved him even more for that. Then I brought it up last night and everything changed. Apparently when I told him that he was assuming that was if he got a particular job in another town. I meant in general. He couldn’t believe that if we had to stay here that I would quit my job that I love so much and want to advance in for a year to raise the child. He said isn’t the 3-4 months that I could get off enough time off? So no support for that idea if we stay here. He grew up with his mom and dad working. Granted they owned their own business so she was able to take him to work with them everyday. I grew up with a mom who worked from home for a little bit but was just the stay at home mom. It was how my Mom and Dad wanted their life to be. I want to be a stay at home mom, maybe work part time but that isn’t an option. If we stay here I get three months with our child then have to give it up to someone else to raise. I want to raise our child. I have a hard enough time with the dog liking others more than me I can’t imagine our child be raised by someone else and having a better bond with them than me even if it was family or close friends raising it. I feel so deflated. I don’t know if I even want a kid anymore. I do, but not this way. I rather not then regret not being the mom I want to be. Life sucks, money sucks. Being a grown up sucks. I love M. I wish we saw eye to eye more though. Maybe I just need to give up on a lot of the things I want and stop fighting what he wants.

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