I am a complicated woman. What woman isn’t right? Well, to add to my complicated woman features I have the odd quirk of being big time shy. Growing up when I was say 10 years old, I hated the idea of going up to a cashier and paying for an item. I would rather my mother did it because I was embarrassed to do it. That kind of shy. Then as I grew up that aspect of it got better but other new parts developed. In high school for my sophomore year I had to do home study because I would work myself up so much over the idea of doing presentations in front of the class that I would make myself sick. I wanted to die rather than present a speech. I ended up going to a phycologist that year too. I didn’t stay for many sessions just enough to be diagnosed with Social Phobia and a bit of an anxiety disorder. After that year I sucked it up and went back to good old regular school. Resigned to the fact that I would have to from time to time speak in front of others.
Needless to say this was not my only problem but being very introverted and not popular I often only socialized with my family or internet friends. So I grew to love to read as that was how I entertained myself rather than going out to parties and what not. I never realized that this would mean that in later life I would come to dread doing anything with large groups of people that I do not know. Life has gone on though, I went to college and made friends and did very well and always socialized with those groups and enjoyed it if I had gotten to know the people and feel like I belonged there with them. I even work in public service now, but only because I know what I am doing at my job and feel like I belong there so when I interact with the customer/patient I am fine because I am suppose to be there and they are in my territory. Just like if we were to suddenly have a bunch of strangers come to our house I would be fine, it is my house I am suppose to be there. Still, I prefer to be home with my husband or family or small group of friends that I have over going out to a bar or other group gathering where I know maybe 1 or 2 other people out of the 20. I don’t feel like i belong there then. I feel like I am intruding, all eyes on me wondering what she is doing there cause she doesn’t belong, who invited her. Quick, let me run home grab a book and crawl into bed where I belong.
This brings us to New Years Eve night when our neighbors invited my husband and I to a friend of theirs party. We were trying to just hang out with them or at least I was but then they had to invite us to a party of their friend and I of course wanted nothing to do with it. I would be very happy and content to stay at home with my husband celebrating together even if it meant a quiet evening. Well, they stopped by before going and brought it up again and M wanted to go but then was kind of understanding in the fact that I didn’t want to go and said it would be okay if we didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he wasn’t doing anything that suggested he would be just as happy not going.
See, he is an extrovert and could careless what people thing of him so he will do anything new and have fun. Completely opposite me. He can’t understand how come I have such a problem with going somewhere new and strange with people I don’t know when it doesn’t bother him. Certain situations that I would otherwise avoid I will attend despite my great discomfort because they are important to him. Examples being his family reunion where he didn’t know anyone when we first showed up, his Elk dinner to join, and finally his work party. All things I went to with little or no fuss because they are important to him even though I was a nervous wreck about it. See when I have to do something uncomfortable to me like go to one of these social gatherings, the anticipation can cause havoc on my body. I get extremely anxious were I start to feel sick to my stomach (never told him that part ) and begin to shake/ or rock myself, I go silent and usually I will get a headache. I dread these things. I will get extremely emotional. It sends my body to a very uncomfortable place. He doesn’t have to deal with that he just wants to go have fun and so why can’t I, he wonders.
Well, Wednesday night after I forced myself to get dressed and ready for this gathering I began to panic. See this wasn’t an important need to go to social event like those previously stated. I didn’t need to suck it up and go, so I didn’t want to. My body didn’t want to. He couldn’t understand that. So finally he went by himself. He only stayed an hour and a half maybe. Granted I was really sad at the idea of spending the evening by myself, it hurt my feelings. I let it go though when he came back. He told me that he gets there are things I don’t want to do, he just wants to still be able to go an do them without having to worry that I will be mad at him for going and leaving me behind. I can’t gaurantee anything with regards to that. I spend so much time alone since he is in this training program that it does hurt my feelings for him to choose going somewhere else than spending the little time we have together, together. Especially since I don’t have other people to hang out with while he is gone. I know I am a bit harsh, and I agree he should be able to go and do stuff he wants to even If I don’t. I just also want him to understand this part of me a bit better, and to know that sometimes I am more important than going out and having some drinks with people. I want to know that he can find fun in just being home with me. This is where is where I start to doubt myself, my worth. I start to wonder am I so broken? I wonder if I am boring to him and he feels like his life has no zest because of me. I start to wonder if i hold him back and that he would truelly have more fun in life I was more out going and less me. I start to feel like I am not good enough for him. I start to believe that I am meant to spend my life alone because no one can fine joy in just being with me. I start to believe I don’t make him happy, even though he says I do. How can I? I never want to go do anything. I just want to hog him for myself. I just don’t feel worthy.
Sometimes it sucks to be who I am inside.
On another note, I read this article and loved it. It made me feel better about M and mines marriage.:Marriage
