Jobs suck

I was suppose to be part time and back up.  Now a girl has quit and they need me more, so I said okay.  Figuring I would be able to help keep us a float for a while.  Today I was forced to realize that not only am I a helpful back up that I once was but also am suppose to be doing the other girls job, all of it.  I hate it.  I never wanted to have this job be stressful and in one horrible day it has become that.   I can’t stop sobbing.  Horrible, horrible sobbing.  I even hit my head against the wall because I was in such hysterics, angry, and frustrated.  Hope I don’t have a concusion now.  That would just be the icing on the cake.

So now I can’t sleep and M isn’t here and he tells me to tell them I quit or blah blah.  We need the money.  Don’t need, but live better with I should say.  Like I am going to go and job hunt for another job when we have 5 months left.  

Never again will I work in a medical office.  I should have known better.  I thought I was safe working only 16 hours a week and being backup.  I even said how if the job sucked I would be fine because I only worked 16 hours a week.  Look how that got screwed.  Now I am 34 hours a week and having to do jobs I was never trained to do.  Overwhelmed.  I deserve a freaking raise.  I wish we would when the lotto.  Freaking quit and go back to school.  

And your day?

Chop it off!

I love my husband.  I love him so much.  He has these moments that surprise me especially when he and I are out shopping and I try to be all responsible even though i really want something I will be all ” I shouldn’t buy it at this time, I have Christmas stuff to buy.”  He then responds “Get it!” Of course I don’t feel I should so he shouts at me ” I will buy it for you”.  Yes, I love him.  It is in those moments that he shows me his selflessness in willing to spend his money when I do have money to buy me something I can live without just to see me smile.  I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and realize his love for me.

M is joining the Elks lodge.  They wanted to meet me too.  He wants to join because of family who have joined and he wants to continue doing such as well.  I think that is awesome.  Granted they thanked us for being so young and taking over for some 55 or older person who was once considered the youngest person.  So this was our Friday night, talking for three hours with an older generations.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the older generation.  I just deal with them so often with work and work I had done in the past, that I just don’t know about doing it in my free time too.  I kind of like the idea of my socializing being with people My own age or there about.

That same day we had a meeting at work to clarify what each persons position is and especially mine as the new girl/ part time worker.  It didn’t work how i would have hoped.  She clarified my schedule and that I was not the only one suppose to work on this one job in the office.  So the girl who is pushing for me to have more hours I don’t think heard she was suppose to work the job I do when I am there, when I am not. Or the fact that I am not coming in full time on a specific day like she wants.  The reason I know this, cause she asked me if that was clarified when I talked to her later on this weekend.  Oh well, I know my jobs, I know my purpose and I am just going to report to the boss from now on.  She wasn’t feeling well when we had the meeting so maybe she wasn’t focused.

Saturday was shopping day and did we shop!  I got so much Christmas shopping out of the way.  Gift cards were bought, all the nieces and nephews are done with. M’s mom is completely done as is my sister.  I think I just $122 left to spend on everyone to finish things up and that includes M.  He got my Xmas gifts while we were out shopping so he is happy as can be cause he also got my birthday gift done.  We bought jewelery.  I  was looking at some pieces and the woman brought out a natural pink sapphire ring that was regular $499 (eyes bulge!) but on clearance sale price of $160 (I know right!?!) so he was all well, if you want that for your xmas gift.  I jumped on that and said okay.  He was happy.  I then asked the sales lady how much the matching pink sapphire earrings were.  On sale for $57!!  no shit I kid you not. I looked at him and said “Those could be my birthday gift”  of course he thought that was awesome cause guess what, he is all done with xmas and my birthday in one swoop!  So I have a new pretty ring and earrings.  

I also got a portion of his xmas gift ahead of time for him so he was a bit happy about that.  I think he deserves better than what he bought but whatever.

M cleaned the garage yesterday and then ended up talking with our neighbors.  When we first moved in I was excited that we had a set of neighbors that were cool and I could see being friends with.  Also the wife/mom was a stay at home mom so since I am not working full time I thought i would have someone to hang out with and talk to.  However, she never came over and tried to get to know me and there were a few times I went over and talked to her when she was out front but was never like recipicated or what not so I also figure that she doesn’t like me and just didn’t want to hang out.  I mean, I can understand it cause sometimes peoples personalities don’t click and maybe she new that right away.  So needless to say when we ended up in their house last night I felt awkward, especially when we somehow got ourselves invited for dinner.  I made drinks and tried to keep the converstation going with her as much as possible.  I just don’t think she will be coming over her on her own uninvited.  Kind of sucks.

Other sucky news.  I don’t know why but I keep hoping I am pregnant.  Part of me (a larger part than before) wants it to happen and another part says it isn’t the right time.  When is the right time?  I figure when we have moved and are in a permant spot for a while.  When will we move though?  We don’t know.  So then it is me sitting here liking the idea of being a mommy with my wonderful husband.

Okay now to the title of the post.  I chopped my hair off.  I need to get a picture but it is a bob that I had them cut to the chin line.  Which I know realize I would prefer 1 inch longer.  M doesn’t think that would make a difference but us girls know otherwise.  I also had a lot more blonde put in.  M says he loves it.  I hope he is being honest cause I would not be hurt if he didn’t.  It is a different look.  Pictures to come soon!

The Christmas Stress Begins

Yes, it is the middle of October and yes the stress of Christmas is already getting to me. I grew up watching my mother plan ahead for Christmas by shopping year round for gifts so that she could get everyone what she wanted without having to worry about the money. While I have yet to pick up shopping before June I have started shopping early just for that reason. I mean seriously I think it was June or May when we bought the Christmas gifts for M’s friends. So I started doing my shopping this weekend especially since M’s mom and our niece have birthdays in November so I thought it best to get them squared away on both counts.

So I still have my Mom, Dad, Sister & her husband (and their son), and brother to shop for. We have a lot of people to shop for and M was wondering how I wasn’t done shopping cause I did so much this weekend. I explained to him that yes I did but that covered 2 birthdays and 2 christmas gifts. I have decided to go light on my brother and sister, I know they will understand the money crunch. I believe I still have like $250 I need to spend on all those listed above. Then I had to plan for M’s gifts as well.

Well, M had stated earlier in the week or last weekend, I can’t remember which, he would help out with gifts and give me some money. Somewhere between $100 and $200 of which I don’t recall and don’t care, I was just happy that he stated such and I would have the help. He has always helped out in the cost of buying presents for the past two years so I didn’t expect there to be any change.

Well, It looks like he is coming into some extra money because he sold some tools of his that he didn’t use anymore which is awesome cause it gives him around an extra $500. We started talking about what he would spend that on and blah blah blah. I was actually excited he was getting that extra money because I know it makes him feel better and I do want him to get some stuff that he has been really wanting to get. (We discussed garage storage selves from costco cause he has been talking about those for a while and then he would still have extra money). I brought up Christmas. I don’t know where it came from. I wasn’t asking for him to give me that extra money for it. I was just bringing it up and how much is left for me to do and the extra cost it is I think. I don’t remember too clearly this part and how it lead into everything else. Then he brings up how I should work extra days (the Wednesdays that I have been working though the past two for only half days) cause that is extra money and that would pay for Christmas, or help out. I kind of just stared at him. Wondering if he was then going to mention him giving me some to help with it. I Started to mention his earlier in the week offer of giving me money.  Then you could see him remembering that he said that and the “aw crap” lights turning on in his head as he thought about how all his extra precious money wasn’t going towards just what he wanted to spend because I guess he had promised $200 and such (which I don’t even need or want a whole extra $200 if this is how things are going to be) so he was bumming in his head.  He continued to state how my working more would pay for the extra help I needed and that it was essentially his money too so it was like him helping out.  WTF?  are you kidding me?  Yes, his money is my money and my money is his but long ago he stated that any extra money I get I should just keep for myself as extra spending money.  My first paycheck I didn’t because I wanted to put it into savings to build our savings.  I want us to be able to get a house when we move and I don’t want him to think I didn’t help.  So for this month of working $400 would have gone into savings.  This next paycheck I had decided to keep whatever extra to help with the Christmas gifts anyways.  He then tells me well, with that extra money I have more spending money than him (for this month it would make it $30 extra dollars) and how he is helping out (I was only talking Christmas but he got all freaking defensive and thinks I am saying our whole lives, which crap I know he makes a ton more money and is working a ton harder to pay for all of our freaking bills).  I looked at him and said how I couldn’t believe him helping me out paying for Christmas was telling me work work more and use the extra money for the presents.  I told him i thought helping was him having to use some of his spending money to help because that is what I am doing.  It doesn’t have to be a lot but something.  This has never been a problem before so I don’t get it.  I don’t even want $200.  I would be happy with just an extra $100.  I am taking the time to do the shopping and picking out the gifts so he doesn’t have to do that if he doesn’t want to.

I was just, I don’t know, I felt very hurt last night.  I mean, come on, work more and that should pay for it without him having to help?  It doesn’t even take into account the presents I still have to buy him but I don’t think I could afford if I am paying for it all, even with extra work days.  I mean next month I wont have as many extra days because of Thanksgiving week.  I doubt he considers that or cares but still.  

I was just very sad and hurt.  I said some things that weren’t all cream and sugar also.  It somehow lead into if he gets a raise is the extra money his and such.  I think that stemmed from me working a extra day a week and the money being my spending money (which he stated, not me in the beginning, but then he changed his mind to suit him and it became ours – said to the woman who would put it all in savings if she could).  I just don’t know.   He hurt me, I said stuff that I guess hurt him and it ended with him saying he will give me money and me saying keep it cause yeah I didn’t realize how he felt about holding on to all his spending money.  I doubt I will take any money either,  my pride is too hurt.  I just don’t know if he will be getting a decent Christmas gift this year.

I have rambled on for too long.  Honey if I hurt you or stated something in here that bugs you I am sorry.  I was just typing what I thought and flushing it all out of my head.  You know I love you.

What I Want

I have decided that the dog I want is a Maltese.  So when we move or if we don’t move in a years time then I am getting one.  That will be my dog.  I think those dogs are so cute and just want to cuddle their fluffy fur.  Yes, I have decided.

I was once told that I hold people to very high standards.  I guess I do.  Mainly M since he is who I am around all the time.  I don’t know how to stop it.  I don’t know how to be happy with how things are instead of being disappointed with how they aren’t.  I asked him last night what he expects of me.  As his wife what does he expect from me, what is my role in his eyes, etc.  I just sincerely wanted to know what he thinks a wife is and what her role is because then maybe it would solve some mysterys.  Even if I don’t agree with it, at least then I would know where he stands.  I have told him constantly what I expect from him, for all the good that has done.  I want and expect a partner.  Someone who appreciates what the other does and makes sure it is known to them.  Someone who wants to help and work together, that doesn’t just assume it is the other persons job.  I mean Yes I don’t work as much as him but that doesn’t give him a get out of helping me free card.  If I take the time after working (or not working) to do the dishes and then cook dinner then yes I do expect him to not only clean up after him self and put his dish away but to help pick up the dinner mess.  Why am I the only one who gets to clean it all up.  I will admit he has a few times helped with the cleaning up the dinner mess and it meant the world to me, but it isn’t the norm.  At least he puts away his dish.  I honestly understand he is tired when he comes home but five minutes of his time to say without words “thank you for the great meal honey, I appreciate it so much” by showing me with actions of helping me would mean the world.

I love M so much but at the moment we are on different pages.  He expects something from me and I expect something from him and I don’t know if both of us is getting what we think the other should give.  How are we suppose to give what the other expects without being informed as to what that is.  I want someone willing to give 15 minutes of his time each day in helping to maintain our house so that it doesn’t all wait until the weekend and isn’t all on one person.  I will never be the type to do all the chores without help or one complaint.  It isn’t built into me, so if that is what he expects it wont happen.

EDIT:M does help out about every two weeks or so on the weekend in doing a major pick up of the house. Also last time he did help with the laundry that time too. He does help. It isn’t like he doesn’t at all it is just with the everyday stuff. I don’t know, whatever.

I Bored My Niece

I lead a pretty boring life, what can I say.  This would be why I have not posted. Worked Yesterday, and worked half a day today.  I don’t think M quite understands some things.  I get a little upset about this job because I was happy with Tuesday Thursday with Wednesday flexable.  That to me meant maybe every other Wednesday.  One of the girls in the office however would prefer me to work every Wednesday and as such pushes for it.  I am annoyed.   This job is such that I am back up, mean I get the jobs no one else really wants to do.  The little stuff.  Yes I am in the procedure room manning the fluoroscope.  This can be fun.  Yes I don’t want to do it all the time.  I asked to be given a break from it tomorrow for a portion of the morning (not the whole morning) and I realized that I was bursting someones bubble of joy and relief of not having to do it anymore.  This is one of the reason I don’t want to be there more than what i agreed to because well, I would go insane.  I do the not so fun jobs and well this isn’t a job I see myself doing forever and it isn’t a job to make a career out of.  

I need to be my own boss I think but I don’t know when I will get to that point.  The other reason is this.  M and I having recently moved are also dealing with him having to do a lot of heavy commuting for work and well there is stress in our relationship.  If I was working full time and then have to come home and do the laundry, dishes and dinner I know that I am going to be mad, mean, bitchy and unhappy.  I would do all those things also because of M’s having to commute over and hour and so he is tired when he gets home.  If I work only part time like this then my coming home and doing those things won’t lead to me be as resentful as I could be if I was working full time.  I know, poor me. Yeah, yeah shut up.  

We are doing good financially.  We are.  We are saving lots of money in my opinion and we each have a good bit of spending money each month too.  We are doing good.  I know M wishes I was working more though.  I hate that feeling. I work at home too so I just wish that he would understand that this job I am working at is a great job for right now in the situation we are in.  We get extra money and I am kept active.  But I don’t like working Wednesdays when I wasn’t planning on it.  I like the every other Wednesday.  I hate being bored at work and I don’t like being the dumping girl, where everything goes.  I am fine being the dumping girl two days a week, otherwise leave me alone.  I don’t want to invest a lot of time or emotion into a job that in 6-8 months I might not be at still.  I just don’t.  Working in Doctors offices is stressful.  It just is.  I miss the bank where I could go home at the end of the day and feel like the job was done and not stress about.  I am already stressing about this part time job.  So I am sorry if I don’t want to work every freaking Wednesday.  I don’t want to feel guilty about.  I just wish M realized I work at that job but also at home too.  Yes I want help on Weekends, everyone deserves help and a break.  Crap.  I wish he got this.  Maybe he does.  I don’t know.  

My shoulder is hurting with a deep dull cold ache.  I have a heating pad on it.  I feel old.  I have rambled on long enough.  Ignore me.