So yeah, I suck.

I hate living in a new place away from friends and family.  Every so often M will be out of town and thus I am along, bored and lonely.  He stays out with work buddies until 11pm having a grand old time on a work night  (he is too tired when he gets off work when he is here to do anything with me) while I read a book, watch t.v. go on the Internet or something else that one can only do so many times and thus I got jealous.  He moved me here (yes I agreed to go along I could of told him see you later) and I am lonely.   I don’t make friends quickly and it isn’t like I have a job where I can meet people.  If I had some more money I might joy a health club and meet people that way but it isn’t happening.  I want my friend Lynn.  I want my family.

I want to stop whining and placing myself as a victim and realize that someday I will have friends again.

Can I ask your advice?

I need help, lots of help.  I am so mad and unhappy right now.  I need people with similar experiences to tell me how they feel or got through it.  As I stated below M and I had an argument.  We talked and seemed to get through it and had a happy afternoon until we got home.  Then I started thinking about one of my large problems in the relationship, his mother.  I told him I wanted him to call her so we can all talk about it, my fears.  Maybe I would feel better and stop making a big deal about it.  He wouldn’t.  So I wrote a letter.  Not one I intended to send her but just so I could start to try and understand my feelings and get it in order so that if/when I talk to her I know what I want to say.  He read the letter and told me I could not send it (I wasn’t planning on it but didn’t tell him that) he said it sounded like I was telling her how things were going to be and he didn’t like that (hello, who is constantly telling me “how things will be”?).  I also found out that they had talked possibly 2 months ago or I don’t know when cause he can’t remember and she had told him she wasn’t going back to her friends and she didn’t feel comfortable living with her daughter because she felt like she was intruding (really?  and with us there is no intrusion?) and that basically in a year she would be following us where ever we might go.  I was mad.  I have never been asked, or included in these conversations.  Here below is my letter outlying my issues:

Dear D,

I’m writing because of concerns/issues I have with something I have been told will be happening sometime in the near future.  While I do not have all the details concerning the topic (for it is something M seems to think I don’t need to know about) and feel it only fair my voice be heard too.  I am talking about the when and if you move in with us.  I say if because M always tells me he doesn’t know what your plans are.  I won’t tip toe around saying it does bother e.  The first reason being M is your baby and you do feel the need to baby him a bit as i noticed the last time we all lived together.  You woke up to see to his breakfast and make his lunch all things he is capable of doing on his own and took awhile for him to do ( I hated when he would ask me to wake up early and do those things for him, to be his mother) on his own.  He soon realized that he is an adult and can take care of himself which means not needing to be waited on.  the next is I enjoy cooking, I enjoy M cooking and I enjoy your cooking but I don’t want you doing it all the time.  I am his wife now, the head matron.  I wish you would just kick back and enjoy being retired and all your kids being grown up.  He doesn’t need to be taken care of like a little boy anymore.

 Next, we are a young newly married couple which means we enjoy making love to one another which is made awkward and uncomfortable with someone right next door.  It does decrease the frequency of it and does increase the frustration factor.  Not to mention quality goes down.  I really don’t like this.

Finally I don’t plan on using you as a live in babysitter should we decide to have a child (which is looking like a no).  I want to be the one to raise my child.  I know you are great with kids and it has nothing to do with that.  I have my own opinion on how I would like our kid to be raised concerning ideals, beliefs and manners.  Not to mention I would like to be the one to watch the first steps and hear the first words.  It would kills me inside for someone else to get those experiences, it would make me unhappy which is sadly something M doesn’t understand.  I suppose this paragraph doesn’t even matter because we just won’t have a child if I can’t even be there to raise it in the formidable years.Thank you for listening.  You can  hate me now.

 

Not the greatest letter filled with lots of anger but I wasn’t going to send it and I am angry.  Very angry.  Yes I would rather her have her own place (a mother in law unit or something)  and if she would just not set an alarm so she can be up before him and then knock on our door to make sure he is up and then get his freakin breakfast and lunch!  

Help me!  Have any of you dealt with mother-in-laws?  Ones that will be living with you?  I like her but I resent the idea of her living with us when I can’t tell her how I feel.  I should feel comfortable in my own house and be able to tell her how I feel.  M doesn’t want me to.  If I do then she wont feel comfortable living with us.  So it is her comfort or mine and he has chosen hers.  How do you deal with MILs?  please anyone?  Same situation, similar something?! Help me cope.

The calm before the storm

Of course he would be nice and sweet to me and make me happy before crushing everything.  Last night I cried harder than I have in months.  I told him I didn’t want to have a child with him if it meant that I couldn’t raise it.  He assumed I would have the child and then go back to work and his mom would take care of it.  I don’t want his mom raising/taking care of our child.  Alas I was told that my mom raising me and his mom raising him were different times and that we aren’t as lucky and that if millions of parents can have children and make it work then we can.  I won’t have his mom raise my child.  I have to live with the woman and get no choice like I am giving her my child to raise also.  I don’t know what is going on anymore.  I don’t know what is happening with us.  I don’t know about anything anymore.  I want to live my life without someone telling me how I will live it.  I just feel so confused and messed up right now.  I want a baby with him, but not if my future with said child revolves around money and someone else raising our child, even if it is his mother (who I have issues with).

Mind Readers

Can M read my mind? (Or my blog maybe)  Cause after typing that post he got all sweet on me.  Helped fold the towels when I asked, started the bbq when I asked and made the salad when I asked, then cleaned up with out my asking.  And!  if I asked he didn’t argue.  I felt in heaven it lifted my mood and I felt like we again were one the same page.  I hope this last, not just a flash in the pan thing.  Amazing how he just did all that for me.  Makes me happy

Distant

I feel a gap between M and I right now. I hate it so much. I feel like we are not in our rhythm and I don’t know how to find it. I hate when this happens and it has before. A lot of it has to do with one or both of us not being happy at that time. I just wish when he got off work he could come home and laugh and know that the suckiness of the day is gone and he has his friend. It doesn’t work out that way. We are off from our normal stride. I look forward to seeing him all day and am so excited for his arrival at home and then he walks in the door and within 5 minutes I am irritated, he took his clothes off and left them at the front door (WTF?! really? Are you a child or something?), or he just starts making non funny smart ass remarks to me that instead of making me laugh or smile stab my ego. I have such low self confidence lately and he is unhappy because he feels the work is screwing him that he takes it out on me and I am so low that i can’t take the little jabs like a normal person. Instead, they chip away at whatever shred of self confidence I have managed to hold on to. Not to mention he is always too tired for sex and I feel like I get turned down a lot and that eats at my ego too. I start to wonder if I have gained a lot of weight, am I just not that pretty anymore, is something wrong with me?! I don’t smell, I make sure of that. So what is wrong!?!?! I just want my best friend back so we can continue to be each others rock. We did have a date night last night. Dinner and a movie. After which I tried to seduce him but alas he was tired. I understand. He is up early every day and works. I don’t right now. Maybe once I get a job I can be “too tired” also and then we both just wont want sex and everything will be on the same rhythm.