Future Fears

I woke up this morning fearing being pregnant.  Just because we are not ready quite yet.  Then I started thinking about it more, what if I am?  I started thinking that if I was we would most likely still be living where we are now.  Then I started thinking how small this place is and if I am and then have the baby my parents and his mom is going to want to come up and stay here.  I would love to have both our moms with us, if we lived in a larger place.  So I told him I didn’t want his mom staying with us after the baby (that does not exist) is born.  Then I started to think that then my mom won’t be around (this is why I wished I lived close to family, they could be around without having to crowd into M and mines space). Well, of course I am going to want my mom around and should we not be here but an hour north then it will be really hard for my mom not to stay with us, well, crap.  I don’t mind if my mom stays with us but that is cause she is my mom, I can yell and scream at her that she is bugging me and know that we will still be best friends the next day.  She might be mad at me but she will still be my friend.  His mom is different.  I don’t feel comfortable telling her what is on my mind.  I am afraid that if she gets on my nerves and I tell her to back off or something, then she will just leave or think me a bitch.  Where my mom won’t really do that.  Yeah, she would think me a bitch but it is different.  So I want both his mom and mine there after the non existent baby is born, but if we are in a bigger space.  I do want my momma around though even in a small space but just it doesn’t work out.  I want family to be around us during that happy time, we just have to have a larger space for it to happen and his mom can’t be sleeping out on the couch.   I just have to get comfortable with telling his mom how I feel if I need to I guess.   I just don’t want her to think me a bitch and then wonder what her son ever saw in me and then never want to visit or feel comfortable around me.  I just know that I am going to need space and bonding time with our baby and as long as where we are living allows for that, both moms can stay.

Oh my crap why is this even an issue for me right now?  I hope I am not pregnant.

Wish lists, like when I was a kid

Last Thursday I created a wishlist of all the things that I would like to buy.  Instead of like when I was a kid and went through the wishbook these are just things that I really want.  Money of course being a problem with most but if I get the stimulus package I should be able to get at least one big ticket item.  Here is my current list:

• New laptop (or desktop) – either the macbook or imac
• New printer with wireless capabilities to go with new computer
• Computer software – Microsoft Office for Mac
• Wii  and all of its fun toys
• Vacuum for pet hair – the bissel pet hair eraser
• Automatic cat feeder
• Furniture – couch, entertainment center, bookcases
• T.V. – flat panel HD, 42inch maybe?

The T.V. is the last thing on my list basically but I would like to get all of those.  So those are the new things I am saving up for.  M has his wishlist going too.  All those things while we are still saving money ($400 each month, we rock!  Soon it will be $500 I hope).  I just need a raise and then I can start buying some of the less expensive things right away.

This weekend was low key and I really like it that way.  I do wish my parents had come up and visited but oh well.   M and I tried a new restaurant here in town yesterday and really liked it.  It has only taken us 1 1/2 years to try it.  A lot of people go there and we were in the area so I wanted to try it and am really glad we did.  I then found out that I got paid so I bought a new summer top.  I also stocked up on cards for birthdays and holidays.  I need to find out when Lynn’s birthday is though so that I can send hers. 

Today I have just been dusting and doing laundry and being lazy otherwise.  So yup, that is my day.

Drama Drama Drama!

Pretty much a mundane week for me.  All work and not much play until last night. However, the drama all stems from yesterday.  A girl I work with is quitting.  Pretty much 99% of the office will be happy about because she has a really poor attitude and does not want to work.  I got excited too because I thought I would get a different shift at work but was told there is a chance she wont be replaced.  Crap.  Permanently one person short, crap.  Granted if we all got big fat raises I wouldn’t mind too much. 

I had about 1 1/2 margaritas last night because we went to a goodbye dinner for one of the guys at M’s work and I slept like crap.  I hate how alcohol does that to me.  I slept so poorly that even though the dog got to sleep with us last night, she wanted in her pen because I was tossing and turning so much.  She is now curled up in my legs.  

I tried to get my 15.99% interest rate on my credit card lowered and they wouldn’t do it!  I have had that card for 5 years and have never been late or anything.  In fact they kept increasing my limit because I was so good with them, but refused to lower my rate.  Heck, I might use my card if they lowered it.  That pissed me off.

That is the only drama I have to report.

Happy Easter!

So I am trying to remember all that happened, or all the thoughts I had but I don’t know how good of a job I will do.  Friday we headed out to visit family that live about 2 1/2 hours away so we got to their place around 8:30 – 9:00pm.  We took Mylie with us and left the cat.  Nothing really exciting happened that night, we went to bed around 11:30 – 12am.  We slept on the horrible futon that I wish would crash and burn.  Got up at a decent time Saturday morning, maybe around 8:30am and we fixed a great breakfast of sausage, eggs and pancakes.   Watched some t.v. and then M went and got the ribs started so I played with Mylie and made that little weiner dog run.

Around 1pm I started getting a little bored because I forgot my book and there wasn’t much to watch on the t.v. so we went outside and noticed that their yard close to the house was feeling a bit neglected so I started to do a little weeding and got into that.  I then suggested how the pathway would look nice with river rock lining the other side of it.  So we were all pitching in and moving rock and boulders, grass and the such.  We finally got finished a little after 4pm, just in time to get dinner ready.  Okay, my lower back is so wonderfully sore from doing that work.  M was being mean and giving hard massages to “ease” the pain.  Bending over is quite the chore for me, but at least I don’t have to do that often.

Sunday was fun, biscuits and gravy and bacon and then Easter egg hunts.  I say hunts because they would find them and then rehide them.  It was fun, makes me excited for the day we have kids and get to do the baskets and hunts for them.  I like the idea of having a little girl with M that is just a little darling.  Mylie had a blast and at night could barely keep her eyes open even when you picked her up, it was so cute.  Oh! and we watched Enchanted which was cute but I know I would love it more if we had a little daughter to watch it with.  One of these days, one of these days.  It was a really great weekend that I had a lot of fun. 

Then M pissed me off 10minutes after we got in the car to drive home.  I am anal about time and having the ability to rest at night before work and stuff.  I know it, he knows it.  That is why I made him promise to let Trina know we were leaving at 5pm (I told her when we first got there, I don’t think he did).   When I wasn’t working I could careless when we left, and if I don’t work again I will probably be such a wonderfully flexible person for him.  When I can’t sleep in and have a slow start to the next day then I want to get home at a decent hour.  Well, he springs it on me that he wants to stop off and see a friend and it just made me mad because he knows how I feel.  So I figured he planned it that we were already on the road to spring it on me.  if he had just asked if we could leave 15 mins earlier so he could see him I would be fine, but he didn’t and then changed the plans and anal me without liking changes got mad.  He knows this about me.  Yes he only chatted with him for like 8 min but still for me it upset me.  So I gave him the silent treatment the whole way home.  I am over it now but yeah, don’t mess with my schedule when I work the next day!

Work today was fine.  Went well for a Monday and not much to report about it.  I hope to recieve my review by April 1st when everyone is back. 

Crap, I need to get my Dad a Bday card.

Horrible at details

I feel that I am rather bad when it comes to describing in detail my day or thoughts about the day.  I think I just get lazy and write the short version. So I guess I will try and get better about that.

Last night M and I talked about preparing for the worst in life.  He had to select beneficiaries for his life insurance.  I didn’t realize there would be much to talk about with that.  I just assumed you put your spouse, that is what I was going to do.  Then came his concern for his mom.  He wants to make sure she is taken care of should he pass which I can understand completely.  He loves his mom and why not, she is a great woman with a lot of love in her heart.  I asked him if I could get 90% at least, he kept saying 80% I don’t know why but I feel like I should get at the least 90% especially if we have a house, child and I am paying for funeral cost (lets not forget two car payments and other bills).  He made some comment about me getting it all of most of it only if I agree to let his mom live with me for a little bit (a few months each year since she travels and visits and stays with her other children).  I said that was fine but then made some stupid crack about it being awkward for “when I remarry”  I was joking.  I can’t think of remarrying or finding another love.   He is my everything and I would feel nothing but horrible guilt if I thought about giving my love to someone else.  I will have friends and family and animals to give my love to.  Well, he said something about “of course you will remarry”  and I just burst into tears.  How he could think about that so easily is beyond me.  He is my everything and as much time as I get to spend with him filling my life with love is what I should be content with.  I can’t think of moving on.  So yeah.  Of course I would take care of his mom and let her live with me because she is family, family is everything to me.  Yes I don’t care for the idea of living with family right now.  M and I are just starting out and we need time to get to know each other still, get into a routine.  We are still learning so much about each other and strengthening our relationship.  I will admit that when she was living with us it made things so much harder for me and him.  I just want some more time of just him and me.  I have always been a person who has a thing about space.  Maybe because I never had any with my own family and just love having my own space now. 

So that was my evening.  As for today not much else of much importance.  One girl is out on vacation and another called in “sick” today.  Luckily it wasn’t that bad of a day so we were able to handle being shorthanded.  I want my review though, and a raise.  I don’t think I will get one until after the girl is back from vacation though because then we will be able to handle me and another person being gone for the front line. 

I think I am going to try to tan either by tanning beds or lotion.  I know M would prefer me to be tan.  I am so freaking white and while I got to a point were I accepted myself I know he would just like to see a healthy tan on me.  I wish people would just love my skin how it is but most people like to see tan skin.  I also need to lose so much weight, at least 10lbs.  I have a huge stomach role and often wonder what M sees in my body if anything.

 Okay, done with the days ramble for now.